Peacefully Paced

Hi there!

For anyone that's actually reading this congratulations! on having officially run out of things to look at on the internet or being someone I consider very special in my life - in which case I might have told you about my super secret blog in an effort to walk you through the often complex and ever changing workings of my mind.

It has been a while since my last post and I'm not entirely sure where to begin with what life has been like for me for all these years. From major surgeries to moving states and now pandemics I feel like I have seen it all (before the ripe old age of 30 - yay! -_-).

For context - we are now in 2020 (aka the REAL 2012) and it is nothing like anyone thought it would be because of this historical event called COVID- 19 (pronounced deadly virus or karma) currently in place. 

The significance of this moment might be better understood if I point out that it has been suggested that the 'word for the year - 2020' as per Webster's dictionary is likely to be "unprecedented" which I may have also considered as the original title for this post - but I will neither confirm nor deny that.

It has now been 4 months since 2020 turned into the biggest lesson of everyone's life and in all honesty I must say that these months have allowed me to personally experience some of the most painful and beautiful moments in my life so far.

How? I have two words for you - self isolation.

As 20 something year old's we are taught to hate this word and as human beings we avoid it like the plague. We go to work, pay our bills, meet our friends, do our chores, drink A LOT and binge on Netflix in order to ensure that we never have to feel isolated - such is the power of this word which found it's origins in French around the mid 19th century. 

This word relates to some of our biggest fears - loneliness and separation, however, 2020 could clearly not care less about the anxieties of the human race and forced many others such as myself to face who we are today warts and all through it's cruel experiment of self isolation. 

Now in the spirit of honesty I must declare that I originally planned to leave the task of accepting myself as a human being to the person I would eventually (hopefully) designate as my life partner but it looks like the universe had other plans and may have found my intentions to be...for lack of a better word either selfish or neurotic - in either case, well played 2020!

In an effort to not die from the effects of the seemingly airborne virus currently dominating our world, (Google it, I am not making this stuff up) it has been suggested that all humans lock themselves up in their houses (ideally with loved ones who can overcome their natural homicidal urges) and take a good hard look at themselves in the mirror! (this part has NOT been officially suggested by any medical professional but you must admit it makes good sense - after all, there IS a limit to how much Netflix one can watch). 

The worst thing possible has officially happened and we now realise that we might have 2 catastrophes to deal with COVID - 19 and OURSELVES *cue shocking music.*

So what's wrong with me? why do I LIKE this? have I realised I have super powers? am I secretly a saint who has been enlightened? have I traumatised myself with the inner workings of my mind and officially lost all concept of sanity? 

Nope. I'm still me - weird, hypersensitive, overthinking, stubborn, loving and curious old me. 

However, I have grown to realise that I'm like a favourite movie. My favourite movie and one that I love to watch. 

Not a particular movie, just the concept of a favourite movie - I realised I like and accept who I am and while I have warmed up to the idea of being comfortable with and as myself I never really paid attention to WHAT I liked about me. This vital step might have been glossed over as I grew comfortable enough with my identity to take elements of it for granted over time.  

Isolation forced me to "re watch" the movie of myself a few (many) times and much to my surprise it has not all been fun and games.

I have always been my biggest critic but isolation has given that term a whole new meaning and having seen that my movie has many flaws, fears and biases, I am officially a professional self critic now.

This is not to say that I believed I was perfect prior to 2020, (I can assure you trusted reader that I am not THAT delusional) I just did not realise how imperfect I was. 

Please note that this self awareness does not come from a place of self hate but rather a place of self reflection combined with a hope and desire to create a better self movie - if that makes sense?

I truly believe 2020 has given me the best birthday gift this year : a (much needed) reality check of who I am - the good, the bad and the ugly! all while almost ruthlessly taking away everything I incorrectly believed I needed to survive.

As a result, I have gained and lost more than I could ever imagine in the last 4 months since the pandemic hit and I continue to hate and love the spinning wheel of life in 2020. 

I now understand that I and the people around me are imperfectly human and few realisations have disappointed yet liberated me to this extent in life because this means that the pursuit for my best self continues perhaps endless and for a perfectionist such as myself, this is the ideal dream and nightmare.

I pride myself of being a reflective person and enjoy the process because I believe that I have the tendency to not just comfort but also surprise myself; and this to me, makes my movie worth watching time and again.

When it comes to myself or my life I can assure you that I do not have all the answers but in the silences of self isolation I have come across the patience and determination to find them.

I hope whoever is reading this can find or has found a similar peace in their quiet spaces. 

I have not been blessed with peace, instead I seek it every day and hope you will too.

I'll end this post with one of my favourite quotes by the brilliant Robert Frost which to me best summarises the road that goes long beyond COVID - 19 and self isolation: 

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep."

I dedicate this post to the miles ahead.

Onward, always ❤